Control

There are times in life when I realize more and more just how out of control I am of my own life. I mean, sure there are things that I have total power over like whether or not I will go to the gym tomorrow and what tv shows I want to watch on any given day but on a grander scale, I am pretty much powerless when it comes to my life. For instance, as much as I want to I can't make my grandmother better. I can't heal her. I went to school for three and half years to get a piece of paper that says I am competent in medicine and yet, I can do nothing to fix her. I just have to sit back and watch her slide further and further away. I wish I could push her one way or the other. I hate watching her be in this limbo. She is miserable and it is awful for all of the rest of us. I know there is a lesson here for me to learn but my heart hurts too much to look for it.

And then there is boy. Boy do I wish I could have control over him. All I want is a chance but again I have no control. I have been burned too many times for me to put myself out there again so this time, he has to work for it and he won't. What does this tell me? I don't know. Again a lesson for me to find but this time I just don't want to see it. I want to be happy and have fun and laugh. Where is the man who will love me and give me that life? I am so past playing games.

And lastly, control over the job hunt. I have learned the last two weeks that there are more important things going on in my life right now than my stupid test. That is why things kept happening right before I took. Family means everything to me and I would do anything for them. I know now why I graduated early. I have grown up so much lately and it has been an interesting experience. Life is definitely not the same as it was a few months ago. In a few short months I could be living in a different state on my own with a totally new job. Scary. However, again I have no control. It is in the Lord's hands. Wherever He calls, I will go. But I know that whatever happens with any of these things is meant to be so I try not to worry about it. Try being the key word because I would be lying if I said I didn't worry. I know I will be fine as long as I have faith. And I do. :o)